There are several jobs for which I am thoroughly convinced I would be perfect: Hollywood star, Internet star, Super star, Death Star, celebrity. But there is no work out there that could be better for me (and, if you hire me, for you!) than the fabulous/nonexistent position of Adorable Email Composer. Enjoy the official advertisement for my services below! I can improve your life by many folds!
Is something lacking in your life? I am The Doctor*, I am in, and it is my professional opinion that there is nothing** that improving your online activity can’t fix!
I have years of personal experience in composing exceedingly cute online correspondence to such types as: friends, teachers. I am proficient with letters, punctuation, and emoticons—automatic and otherwise. And my work extends beyond electronic mail: tweets, Facebook comments and up/down voting on Reddit are just three (or four, if you count it the better way) of my Extraordinarily Marketable Skills. I am also very pretty, which is helpful, though not in this regard.
So if you desperately need or just strongly desire to have people think you’re not so bad (“I like zer better on the Internet”), which could lead to being kept around or retweets or Facebook notifications or karma or an email reply or a text or a phone call or a romantic meal or a passionate night of Parcheesi or a passionate night of Parcheesi in which “Parcheesi” is a euphemism for “lovemaking,” do not hesitate to contact me. Rates are negotiable.
References are available upon request! See an example of my abilities at work*** below. Note that my humor and adorableness made a male person get crumbs all over his computer in a good way. You probably don’t even want a reference any more.
*not a doctor, not Matt Smith